Fear.

To define it: "A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid."

What if there is no immediate obvious danger looming? Is it then our imagination to blame for the hollowness that it creates? The unknowing, the fear of the unknown.

Where does this emotion come from? Why do we feel it as often as we do? It is our natural instinct to protect what we have, and our loved ones. Protect: "To defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss; cover or shield from injury or danger". We often protect out of fear.

Fear is natural, it makes us human. It is important that we are aware of it, and understand that it comes from a place of love. In the meantime, we should keep remembering that "The only thing to fear is fear itself".

Today, I choose to not allow my fears to take over. I choose to belive that my loved ones are safe: "Free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk".

To all the Mama's....

My Mamma's.....you know who you are. You are amazing women. Your bodies have been through amazing things. You have managed to survive 9 months ++ of growing bellies, back aches, feet aches, head aches, heart aches, cankle aches, leg aches, and various other aches that should not be listed here.

You have gone through the incredible emotinoal roller coaster from finding out you were having a baby (For some planned, and others...well....a pleasant surprise!) to reading about each trimester, and then actually experieincing it for real. Your hormones have taught you new levels of ups and downs. Your daily contemplations of "Am I doing this right?" have always been proven correct when you surrender to your natural instincts.

Like thousands of women before you, spread over centuries of time - you have learned how precious and utterly amazing motherhood is.

I have watched you all. I have listened, and I have learned. Each day is a blessing, and every moment I spend with your bundles of love and I am thankful to be a part of your changing worlds.

The 10% Journey

So far, my blogging has mostly been about personal things, little comments, observations about life, ups and downs. Another topic to discuss, which is one of the main reasons that I started blogging in the first place, is my choice to re-focus my lifestyle by following the Weight Watchers program. I am one of those "Loose 30 lbs, Gain 30 lbs" kinda gals. Always have been. (Mind you, the gaining and loosing always takes place over 2-3 year span each time - which, from what I have been reading - is quite common). However, I would like to stop buying the larger pants, and just continue getting smaller ones.

Regardless, here I am - trying it again. I will succeed, I know how to. I have done this before. I just wanted to mention it, because I may have comments about it from time to time. The ups, the downs, the wins, the losses, the celebrations.

The 10% Journey. As of today, I am about 1/3 of the way there. This is my first goal. Loose 10% of my total body weight. Then, I see how I feel - and re-evaluate. Maybe go for the 2nd 10%...?

Welcome to the Journey.

Wishin' and Hopin'...

The traffic light is red as I approach, I slow down to a rolling pace. If the light turns green before I stop - then I release my wish.

Numbers. Counting cracks in the sidewalk, stairs in the flight I am walking, number of cables on a bridge, odd numbers. They are the best. If it ends at an odd number, then I release my wish.

Birthday Candles, always a classic.

A favorite song comes on the radio at the perfect time, when I am in desperate need of a smile, and I release my wish.

Opening the door to the crisp night's air, and taking in a deep breath. I look up for a shining star, if I see one immediately, then I close my eyes and release my wish.

I use to wish often. Quite often actually. It may sound silly, but this is something that I have always done, ever since I was a little girl. I am not a superstitious person, I just like to think of what is "Out there". I send my good vibes into the universe, and wish for them to come back to me, and enrich my soul.

Why is it that I don't wish as often as I use to? Most likely because I am in a great place in my life. I am happy. Content. Safe. Less guarded. Blessed. Most of all, I am greatful.

I am living the wishes that I have longed for. There are a few within me still to be cast, but I know they will appear when I am ready to release them, but for now, I am greatful to be living and experiencing the things I have been wishin' and hopin' for.

Make your wish. You have to acknowledge the things that you want in life in order to make them happen.

A Genuine Hello

It is nice when complete strangers take the time to acknowledge each other, with a genuine hello. Why don't we do this more often?? Not a head nod, a raising of the eyebrow, or a flip of the hand. But a genuine "Good Morning, how are you today?"

Every morning at 6:45am, I pick up a coffee at my local coffee shop, to kick start my day. I always see the "regulars"....a table of 4 ladies who gossip and chitchat about this and that. Sometimes we exchange hellos, but normally a wave or head nodd will do just fine, as I am in and out like a dog in heat.

Today, there was a guy sitting outside, having his coffee by himself. I walked up and said "Good Morning, how are you today?" He looked shocked, but pleased all at the same time. He responded: "I am excellent, and yourself?". I said "Great thanks!!"
I went in, got my Large Dark Roast, and walked back towards my car. To my surprise - he said "Have a great Day!!", and I responded with "You too, have a good one!!"

This is simple stuff, I know. You might even be questioning why I am mentioning it. It made me smile, that's why. It just felt good. We all tend to be so busy sometimes that we don't take the time acknowledge each other as living human beings. Not via email, or text message. But just with a genuine hello. Try it sometime.

Super Tunes

I love music. I just always have. It really doesn't matter to me what kind it is, as long as it keeps me entertained. I like all different beats, and nearly all genres.

I am very greatful to have my pretty pink iPOD, that my awesome boyfriend bought me last Christmas. My fear of such intense technology stopped me from getting one for years. But now, I am good. I am learning. The CD's have been copied to my laptop, and the iPOD is fully loaded. I will admit that it has taken me nearly a year to fully understand this process - but the pyramids weren't built in one day either. But now that I can do it myself, I feel very proud and impowered with my Super Tunes always at my side.

Mucic evokes emotion for me. I think that is normal for most people. I can be in a crazy happy state (which is often), and then hearing a classic ballad from a Grade 8 Dance can make me all weepy. Seriously, what is that? And why is that? I blame it on the power of the Super Tunes.

The Super Tunes to me are the ones that always "Get You". The ones that you have cried over, laughed about, danced to, and have shared some serious memories with. They are the ones that bring you back, to wherever/whenever you were the last time you heard the song. Sometimes not even that.....sometimes they just evoke thought. The lyrics get you. Those powerful words, paired with a melody that somehow can completely take over your current state of being. They just do, and they can.

Thank-you Super Tunes for being a part of my life. You have always been there for me, making me smile, laugh, and always willing to lend your hand in getting the party started.

A scream to remember.

As mentioned in my previous post - times have been a bit difficult lately. (Sorry that I have been absent for a little while, but I think you can understand). With the passing two very good friends of mine within the last 9 months, I figure I am doing my best to trooper on in life...But, with each day comes new emotions, and with each emotion comes new revelations.

One revelation for certain is that I have a lot in my life that I am greatful for. I am a strong beliver that all things happen for a reason, and that people come into your life for a purpose, and you continue to enjoy everyday as if it were your last. But, with all that being said - the mourning process of loosing a loved one is something that I wish I could sumbit a hall pass for.

Roughly 2 weeks ago, we had the Funeral & Celebration of Life. Nearly 100 people, some strangers, and some friends. All of us feeling the heartache, shock, loss, denial, and complete surreal emotions that take over your entire body when you attend these events. We listened to the Priest and the speakers. We watched the photo show, we laughed, and we cried. We praised the memory of our good friend. I wrote & delivered the Eulogy, which was by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to write, and then read. How can one begin to capture the unforgetable existence of such an remarkable person that left our earth way too early? I pray that my words helped bring her back to life for just one more moment - to help us remember, help us to celebrate her, and help us heal.

That was a hard day. The hardest ever. The emotions. Her fight was over. She was at peace. And now we were left to start healing. Too much for one day. Although there had been months of suffering leading to this moment, it's nearly impossible to prepare for the finalization of it all. The finalization of her life. And the releasing of our tears, and whatever else followed.

I cried. I could have balled - and never stopped. But, I had a Eulogy to deliver. I had to keep it together. Her courageous strength inspired me. I could feel her surround us, and pray for our laughter to dry up our tears. The way her contagious laughter could change any moment. And then later....it happened.

I was in the ladies room. There was 2 very small stalls, and a sink.

Stall #1: Me, doing my business.
Stall #2: Lady enters, starts doing her business.

Stall #2: "Hey, are you a friend of M's?"
Stall #1: Small chuckle, as we are the only group there. "Yeah".

Stall #2: "Chatter, chatter, chatter".....sorry - I can't remember all the words.....This was after a few cocktails.

Stall #1: "Chatter back", then the laughter starts. It comes from no where, about nothing. Then there is some hooting and hollering, and screaming....and yelling, and more laughter.

We meet at the sink. (We never knew each other prior to the funeral). We laugh harder. We scream, like we have never screamed before. We are yelling now. Happy yelling. Crazy Yelling. We are letting go. We can feel her there. We know she was screaming too.

We are grabbing on to each other's arms for support, as we are nearly falling over. Tears of joy start to roll...we continue screaming. Carelessly. Two grown women - screaming in the Ladies room for nearly 2 full minutes.

We exit, still laughing, still smiling. We walk down the short hallway, and there is a bunch of people looking to see who the crazy ladies are that they could hear screaming so profoundly. We walked out with pride, and no shame.

That my release. My turn to let go. My scream to remember.